Furious George

12:01 < bitekman> maybe we'll pay sqourch to get him out, and option the rights.
12:01 < dr_jerkface> hee
12:01 < Smash_Hit_Tom> Blackhawk up!
12:01 < dr_jerkface> knighthawk
12:01 < Smash_Hit_Tom> ooh, sweet
12:01 < Smash_Hit_Tom> we can embellish, make it a talking hekicopter
12:01 < Smash_Hit_Tom> helicopter*
12:01 < Smash_Hit_Tom> with eb's personality
12:01 < bitekman> "What I mean by "the elite" is rich and powerful people, corporations, lobbies, nonprofit
foundations, etc."
12:02 < Smash_Hit_Tom> full of rude wisecracks
12:02 < dr_jerkface> heh
12:02 < bitekman> i like the implication that all "corporations" and "nonprofit foundations" are elite.
12:02 < dr_jerkface> it can air on lifetime.
12:02 < bitekman> heh
12:02 < dr_jerkface> "Not Without My Stankow!"
12:02 < bitekman> or we could air it on Spike TV and add more boobs
12:03 < bitekman> stankow could fall in love with a beautiful iraqi freedom fighter.
12:03 < Smash_Hit_Tom> wher are we gonna get boobs in iraq?
12:03 < bitekman> it's in the green zone.
12:03 < bitekman> make it a soldier.
12:03 < dr_jerkface> Aneud can come!
12:03 < Smash_Hit_Tom> wait, isn't that a terrorist?
12:03 < Smash_Hit_Tom> or insurgent?
12:03 < Aneud> where can I come?
12:03 < Smash_Hit_Tom> or whatever?
12:03 < Smash_Hit_Tom> wherever you want
12:03 < bitekman> this submission is a hoot
12:03 < bitekman> http://www.plastic.com/submit.html;op=viewsub;subid=060225.09480796
12:03 < dr_jerkface> you'll be in our stankow rescue movie.
12:03 < Aneud> not entirely true sadly Tom
12:04 < bitekman> aneud would be the hot swedish chick.
12:04 < Aneud> ah okay dr_jerkface if anything I can sacrifice myself and give some mean mouth-to-mouth
12:04 < bitekman> catch22 can be the evil democrat, holding back the rescue
12:04 < bitekman> "but you might crush some endangered desert spiders with your helicopter!"
12:04 < bitekman> SQUORCH: rofl!
12:04 < Aneud> can't be that bitekman I'm not Swedish... very proudly Romanian, can you do with a latin chick
too?
12:05 < bitekman> look, it's a holywood movie
12:05 < bitekman> don't start with the fake countries.
12:05 < Aneud> ah okay
12:05 * Aneud is sad but will still take it... how long of a scene is it?
12:05 < bitekman> scene?
12:05 < dr_jerkface> hello laputan machine!
12:05 < bitekman> it's the key to the movie!
12:06 < bitekman> you move as a new navy nurse to the peaceful Iraq
12:06 < bitekman> who knew the japanese would attacK?
12:06 < dr_jerkface> bastards!
12:06 < Aneud> you could have summed all that up in "I would like Aneud killed" bitekman .... the wasted
energy :P
12:06 < bitekman> no, no. you don't get killed.
12:07 < bitekman> you think george gets killed. but he doesn't
12:07 < dr_jerkface> that will open up a project placement for the new fj40
12:07 < bitekman> his dreams of you save him as he swims from the bottom of the persian gulf.
12:07 < Aneud> that's not too deep
12:07 < mule> "Not without my Stankow?"
12:07 < dr_jerkface> thank goodness
12:08 < bitekman> we'll leave out the money part.
12:08 < bitekman> he went to baghdad to...serve his country. and the orphans.
12:08 < dr_jerkface> heh
12:08 < bitekman> see, these orphans drew a cartoon of the prophet muhammad. and he's protecting them from
rampaging danes.
12:08 < bitekman> which is why the swedish nurses show up.
12:08 < bitekman> swedes hate danse.
12:08 < Aneud> ahhhh you're a true mastermind
12:09 < bitekman> "al-Qaida Threatens to Hit More Saudi Sites"
12:09 < Aneud> that works.... what limb does he lose though?
12:09 < dr_jerkface> the Stupid Chieg segment with the army detailers at the opening will be sweet
12:09 < bitekman> "and this time we will pick one we can actually attack successfully!"
12:09 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you know
12:09 < bitekman> that's the sad part, aneud
12:09 < Smash_Hit_Tom> we could actually do this I bet
12:09 < bitekman> you, maybe.
12:09 < Smash_Hit_Tom> I mean, snakes on a plane
12:09 < bitekman> i work for the man.
12:09 < bitekman> heh.
12:09 < dr_jerkface> "i'm out of line? no, YOU'RE OUT OF LINE!!"
12:10 < Smash_Hit_Tom> we just start a cvs somewhere
12:10 < xiamin> "You're a loose cannon!"
12:10 < Smash_Hit_Tom> but instead of code, it's a screenplay
12:10 < bitekman> "i'll have your badge, major!"
12:10 < dr_jerkface> 'you're goddam right i am [tears beret in half]!!!'
12:10 < Smash_Hit_Tom> check it out
12:10 < xiamin> Stankow is unconventional but he gets results.
12:10 < bitekman> the real question is whether that movie about the battle of fallujah will be made before we
retreat in disgrace.
12:10 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you have 3 buddies, stankow, squorch and eb
12:10 < bitekman> why eb?
12:11 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you'll see
12:11 < dr_jerkface> no, eb should def. be the voice of the helicopter.
12:11 < bitekman> navy, army, and rugby?
12:11 < Smash_Hit_Tom> squorch the flypoy hotshot, stankow the grizzled seargant, eb the drunkass funny rugby
guy
12:11 < bitekman> ooh. he could be austrialian
12:11 < Smash_Hit_Tom> eb tragically breaks his neck in a match
12:11 < bitekman> an austrian tourist, bar-hopping in irq
12:11 < dr_jerkface> coalition of the willing!
12:12 < Smash_Hit_Tom> and submits to an experiment whereby his consciousness if put on a computer chip
12:12 < dr_jerkface> it'll up the overseas numbers
12:12 < Smash_Hit_Tom> because he can't bear living like a vegetable
12:12 < Aneud> hey why doesn't stankow get the dashing hotshottitle?
12:12 < bitekman> heh
12:12 < Smash_Hit_Tom> squorch put the chip in his helicopter
12:12 < bitekman> i like it, sht.
12:12 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you need a grizzled hardass
12:13 < bitekman> and in his role as HR director, he'll be perfect.
12:13 < Smash_Hit_Tom> who finally has to admit he needs help
12:13 < bitekman> "no, you CAN'T take friday off."
12:13 < Smash_Hit_Tom> dramatic tension
12:13 < dr_jerkface> heh
12:13 < bitekman> he can't fight off al-quada from the orphanage on his own, sht
12:13 < bitekman> even with the minigun at his hip
12:13 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you got it
12:14 < bitekman> don't forget the comic black soldier
12:14 < bitekman> who gets killed
12:14 < bitekman> dave chappele?
12:14 < Smash_Hit_Tom> even rambo needed help
12:14 < Smash_Hit_Tom> just not chris tucker
12:14 < mule> bitekman: I think you're wrong. He can do it because he has a heart of gold!
12:14 < bitekman> maybe we could have a surprise brokeback twist.
12:15 < Aneud> mule is t3h wise
12:15 < bitekman> for the oscar nomination.
12:15 < dr_jerkface> big surprise
12:15 < mule> Aneud: another nugget of wisdom. Then you fall asleep on the couch, don't sleep on the remote.
12:15 < bitekman> i can already picture "salsbury field" playing over scences of iraqi desert
12:15 < bitekman> with burning oil wells.
12:15 < mule> jabby corners gave me bizarre dreams
12:16 < Smash_Hit_Tom> the proctologist isn't as discreet as you'd hope, mule?
12:16 < Smash_Hit_Tom> "no really, I slept on it!"
12:16 < bitekman> this movie is going to ROCK
12:17 < Smash_Hit_Tom> damn, good thing we thought of it here, or we'd have to give carl a cut og the gross
12:17 < dr_jerkface> whew.
12:17 < mule> Is there a title yet?
12:17 < bitekman> that's just what i was thinking
12:17 < mule> "Get Stankow"?
12:17 < Aneud> yes there was one initially
12:17 < bitekman> "Furious George"
12:17 < Aneud> "Free Stankow" sounds better than "Save George"
12:18 * mule spits
12:18 < mule> bitekman wins
12:18 < dr_jerkface> i like 'furious george' too
12:18 < bitekman> see, he's angry because al-quaid wants the orphans
12:18 -!- dr_jerkface changed the topic of #predicate to: "Furious George"
12:18 < Aneud> but that will make the public biased to begin with
12:18 < bitekman> AND because his swedish nurse is with another man.
12:18 < dr_jerkface> to start an army of super-terrorists
12:18 < bitekman> that's right!
12:18 < bitekman> they want to turn it into a madrassa
12:19 < dr_jerkface> all funded by the japanese
12:19 < bitekman> these iranian al-quaida arabs
12:19 < bitekman> trained by the french
12:19 < mule> hee I love you guys
12:19 < bitekman> "I didn't fight for abortion to be illegal just so these born children could be turned into
muslim fanatics."
12:19 < dr_jerkface> there should be a sly european businessman involved too.
12:19 * Aneud wipes tears
12:19 < bitekman> NURSE: I thought all muslims were fanatics?
12:20 < bitekman> GEORGE: Not these ones, baby. If I have anything to do with it.
12:20 < dr_jerkface> i think he should be dutch.
12:20 < mule> It turns out that Mikhail Khodokovski was that sly european businessman. That's why he was
jailed by the Russians.
12:20 < Smash_Hit_Tom> we need a spindly wan hacker guy too
12:20 < bitekman> erik or mule: you must post this on LJ
12:20 < bitekman> oh, those will be hard to come by here, SHT
12:20 < mule> taht would be: bitekman
12:20 < dr_jerkface> should be played by alan rickman
12:21 < bitekman> i'm not a hacker. i'm a plutocrat!
12:21 < bitekman> my days of hacking are behind me. ever since i pulled off that last big job
12:21 < Aneud> yes bitekman's masterpiece may even get funding that way! Spielberg reportedly often peruses LJ
12:21 < Smash_Hit_Tom> you don't seem to understand, bitekman
12:21 < Smash_Hit_Tom> we have you daughter
12:21 < mule> if erik doesn't post this, I will. Sadly, it cannot be today.
12:21 < bitekman> and she's jewish, SHT.
12:21 < dr_jerkface> heh
12:21 < bitekman> so we can get the IDF into this.
12:22 < mule> I'm heading out in 30 and won't be back until Sunday late.
12:22 < bitekman> 30 what?
12:22 < bitekman> UNITs, mule. UNITS.
12:22 < Smash_Hit_Tom> solve this sudoku in 12 seconds
12:22 < mule> 30 mulenits
12:22 < dr_jerkface> if we include the sinister dutchman, mrwarmth will fund it.
12:22 < mule> 30 minutes
12:22 < bitekman> but...but...i swore i'd never solve a soducku again!
12:22 < bitekman> i build the security for soduku!
12:22 < mule> dr_jerkface: hahahaha
12:22 * Aneud will miss mule
12:23 < Smash_Hit_Tom> yeah, Niall knows hollywood people
12:23 < Aneud> predicate will lose its sweetness core
12:23 < Smash_Hit_Tom> he gives them blowjobs, remember?
12:23 < mule> aw, thanks Aneud
12:23 < Smash_Hit_Tom> but you'll still have the SHT crust
12:23 < Aneud> yeah true that....
12:24 < bitekman> well. time for some lunch
12:25 < Aneud> but bitekman!
12:25 < Aneud> lunch can wait, creation can't
12:25 < bitekman> i've seen project greenlight.
12:25 < bitekman> i don't need that life, man
12:26 < bitekman> writing screenwriting software is as close as I want to get.
12:26 < Aneud> well dude fine.... don't start crying about people with dinars making money when we could have
made it big if only you didn't have lunch
12:26 < bitekman> i'm crying about people losing money with dinars

And the day after.

circle noun a continuous curved line, the points of which are always the same distance away from a fixed central point.

Walking to work this morning, the thermometer read 0°. The air was filled with tiny crystals of ice that twinkled in the sun, blown off of evergreens by a mild breeze. They caused a sort of rainbow to shoot out of the roof of the Methodist church in the distance. As I got nearer, the rainbow's counterpoint on the other side of the sun became unobscured, as the two defined visible arcs in an otherwise hidden circle. A zero, an 'O', a ring.

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the death of my sister, a beautiful (and I mean really almost supernaturally gorgeous) baby, at the tender age of 16 months. She was an Emily before being an Emily was cool, but was doomed from birth due to a congenital defect of her heart which led to a pulmonary thrombosis. As a consequence, this time of year, with its celebrations and obligations of familial conviviality, is always tinged with melancholy for me, though it's more of a pausing, thoughtful nature than bitter, sobbing one. I am easily distracted, and slip into fugues on the nature and meaning of mortality. I'm more mercurial emotionally, and am prone to uncharacteristic overreatcions. I may blow up at a petty slight, or find myself getting misty over A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Now, I have my own little ones, who will never know their auntie except through yellowing photos in upholstered albums. They are, like her, gorgeous tow-headed angels, sweet natured and bright. I can't imagine life without them, or the pain the would come with losing them. They are healthy as plums, though, and for that I'm especially thankful as the snow flies.

It's that day again

Today we commemorate the event over 3 decades ago whence I was ripped violently from my mother's womb ass-backwards with forceps around my head. Hooray.

Here's some stuff that happened on this day in history. The Clash released London Calling. Max Planck published the Quantum Theory. There was a big rockslide in New Zealand. Shit happened. I was born.

Owie.

So I was calling my Dad's machine last night to ask him what his Turkey Day plans are, when the daughter kind of jogs up to me and stiff arms me right in the crotch. That's the selfame crotch which is currently recovering from a week old vasectomy. Yeah. So my initial reaction was OW!, and then I sorta hobbled over to a chair and sat down awhile. Luckily the machine hadn't picked up yet, heh. Then the daughter, seeing I'm in obvious pain, and knowing she caused it, starts crying that her knee hurts. I wave her over to me and hold her on my lap awhile and hug her while she cries and says her knee hurts. My balls slowly recover and we take a ride to the library.

Damn, I hate to see her cry...

Two Films

I watched a couple movies the past two evenings, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Chronicles of Riddick. Firstly, on Riddick, I was disappointed. I thought Pitch Black was a well done bit of ensemble sci-fi noir, with enough action and jolts to keep your blood moving. It stood out among other sci-fi dreck of the time like Event Horizon or Supernova. Riddick, unfotunately, squanders the capital of its prequel on a patently ridiculous plot involving Undead Space Nazis in Search of the Underverse. Riddick goes from being a loose cannon badass to a reluctant messianic last of the "Furions", and Dame Judy Dentch is dragged in here ad there as an ephemeral "Elemental" to advance the barely coherent plot. The eye candy was terrific, but the story just plain sucked.

Eternal Sunshine, on the other hand, was one of the best movies I've seen in awhile, and the best thing Charlie Kaufman has written to date. Instead of beating us senseless with all the iterations of one of his novel brainstorms, he uses the idea of a memory erasing service as a framework over which he tells a compelling story about real characters who change and grow. The direction is subtle and unbotrusive, allowing a somewhat complicated set of events which are necessarily laid out in a somewhat nonlinear way to seem organic and natural. Kate Winslet is terrific and Jim Carrey does a pretty good job supressing his manic tendencies and acting like an all too normal guy. If you haven't seen it yet, you should.

Drugs Are My Co-Pilot

So it's done. On Friday I had my ties with any further future generations of offspring irrevocably severed. I don't feel too bad, considering. I took an extra day off from work yesterday, watched a few flicks, read a little, and took lots and lots of Darvocet. The first day or so I was nagged with the constant feeling that someone had kicked me in the nuts a few hours ago, that dull ache in the pit of your belly. I'm alright now, though. Still taking the big pink pills, more out of boredom's sake than for pain relief at this point. Luckily I'm dependency repellant (well, except for coffee, and that's mostly because it tastes good), as I have half a bottle left, plus a refill.

I watched Russian Ark last night. Slow paced, Russian art film which probably requires a deep knowledge of Russian history to really appreciate, but as a display of cinematographic stamina it really is amazing. The whole film is shot in one take, and many of the scenes are done quite artfully, particularly the closing sequence with a great ball featuring nobility dancing the mazurka. A cast of thousands, many in full period costume, and no edits. Not much of a story, but nice eye candy.

PS, RIP John Balance. Apparently Mr. Balance lost his on a balcony after having a bit to drink, and wound up wounded on the pavement below. I'll have to dig out The Anal Staircase sometime soon and give it a listen. The wife wants us to ditch all our old, weird, angsty records, but I think I've wrangled a compromise whereby we'll keep them, along with certain corrupting books, locked away from the inquisitive ears and eyes of the kids. I can see them inheriting it one day, an old black trunk with a padlock, busting it open with a crowbar to find a treasure of Henry Miller and Foetus records...

Ennui Spectacular, #2

So on Friday, I am officially taking my last lap around the gene pool. That's right, I'm getting snipped. I've got 2 great, healthy kids, and I don't want to be raising any when I'm in my 50s, so I feel pretty good about it. I'm not looking forward to having my nutsack sliced open, but the prospect of the All-You-Can-Boink Worry-Free Sex Buffet is bucking up my courage. They gave me a single Valium to be consumed about an hour before the procedure, and I had to buy a jock strap.

Had the boy weighed again yesterday, he's 17 lbs. 2 ozs. and just turned 4 months old. My work had a banquet the other night and I brought him in, all the biddies passed him around like the Orb in Sleeper. I had a nice bloody prime rib, and quite a bit to drink. Wife was mad when I came home, and I was pretty useless the next morning until about noon, but then I rallied and we had our kid's friend and her parents over for dinner and a movie. They brought Squash Suop and Babe. I'd already seen it, and the 3 year olds didn't take much interest, but it was a nice evening nonetheless.

About the results of the election, I think Bob pretty much has it pegged. I almost had a sliver of hope there for a week or so, what with the Sox winning and all. Superstitious claptrap only gets you elected in the South, however.

86-ing the Curse

So it's happened, the confluence of several improbable events to shape what will likely be my favorite sports moment of all time, for as long as I live: the Red Sox winning the World Series. My previous favorite, the Patriots' upset over the the St Louis Rams, (so many fateful New England championships seem to go through that arch) has been eclipsed like the moon that fateful Wednesday night. And it isn't so much the victory itself that makes the story, as the games themselves, with the exception of the first, were largely lackluster affairs which were decided in the first inning. The story of the road to get there was as dramatic as can be imagined. Frank Capra would blush to film such a thing.

First, we have the whole Nomar/Pay-Rod/Manny debacle-that-wasn't, where the eventual Series MVP was on waiver, our fan favorite player was alienated, and our arch-enemies sign the object of that alienation. Then Nomar sighs and pouts his way to a trade while we're in a 10 game hole behind the Yanks. With Garciaparra and his ever present little black cloud out of the clubhouse, the idiots start cutting loose again, just having a good time playing ball. And winning.

Fast forward to the ALCS, and our Ace limps out to the mound only to get hammered on account of his bothersome tendon. The Sox drop 3 games to the hated Yankees, and are two outs away from a humiliating sweep, facing possible the greatest closer ever to play the game, when Dave Roberts, of all people, saves our season. After two titanic extra-inning gut-wrenchers, we were 3-2, and Curt Schilling takes the mound one more time in the den of iniquity. His foot appears to be barely attached to his leg through the judicious application of duck tape, spit, and dental floss. He pitches brilliantly anyway. We get two calls reversed. The first call, Bellhorn's double turned homer, lit up a light bulb in my mind. This is not what's supposed to happen to us, I thought tp myself. Then when Pay-Rod brought out the Bush League slap bullshit, and that got reversed, I knew it. We were going all the way, and I never doubted it since.

It's quite a liberating feeling, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, having a sense of entitlement for your ball club, and watching the other team comply all to readily. I've had a taste of what Yankee fans are used to, and I like it.

IRC solves all problems

<cy_guy> My wife just called to tell me a leaky pipe has caused part of our living room ceiling to come in
<CaptLiberal> that sucks
<bdunbar> domestic bliss, cy_guy.
<cy_guy> We've had two different people work on it and they both claimed to have fixed it
<CaptLiberal> sue!
<electroboy> cy_guy: i'm having the same problem with my apartment
<bdunbar> on the bright side, you know two people who you Uknow aren't good plumbers.
<cy_guy> true
<CaptLiberal> have your wife arrange the scene so it appears falling plaster killed your favorite pet, and then sue for emotional distress.
<bdunbar> new meaning to the old trick "play dead, rover"
<electroboy> "honey, i want you to bludgeon the dog to death, then place his corpse under the plaster"
<CaptLiberal> yeah, like that...
<cy_guy> we have a cat buried in the backyard - but I'm guessing the 4 years of decay might be a giveawya
<bdunbar> i wonder if you could 'acquire' a deceased pet from the vet's office?
<CaptLiberal> she can run down to the pet store and buy a hamster. And then hit it with a frying pan.
<erik> dahmeresque
<Smash_Hit_Tom> if she does it on webcam, she can make a couple bucks too
<Smash_Hit_Tom> particularly if she wears high heels
<CaptLiberal> and, if she does it naked, on a webcam, she could start her own fetish site
<CaptLiberal> have we solved the problem yet?
<bdunbar> you'll have to mass order hamsters.
<CaptLiberal> "I'd like 3 gross of hamsters, please"
<electroboy> i'm saying rip out the ceiling, find the leak
<bdunbar> but you'll be dotcom rich! you can afford a quality plumber. Problem solved.
<CaptLiberal> electro: that lacks panache
<electroboy> um...then have your wife stomp on hamsters.
<cy_guy> the ripping has now been done for us
<erik> good point.
<bdunbar> in heels, EB. bare foot hamster stomping is for proles.

Band Name: Pulsa Denura

Whatever you do, don't piss off the kabbalists.

Hey, doesn't Madonna follow kabbalah? And we know she hates Bush. Hmmmmm... Nah. Better not engage in any wishful thinking.

The Electoral Vote Predictor swung back toward Bush today. Florida once again is key, with Maine and Nevada on the fence. Do the hurricanes help Bush or hurt him? Can we send Ralph Nader on a raft to Cuba (and to think, I voted for him)?

Destroy All Monsters!

We found out yesterday that the boy weighs 15 lbs. 5 ozs. He's 11 weeks old today. At this rate of growth, I figure he should be ready to defend Tokyo against a giant monster onslaught by the end of the decade.

Actually, he's showing intriguing signs of left-handedness, as that's the fist he like to stuff in his mouth and slurp on. I'm thinking middle relief. We'll start working on his slider next week.